Tuesday Musings #5

Topic for this week:

What was your feeling or thoughts when you held your child/children for the first time?

"Finally! Now I can relax! What does he/she look like? Does he have red hair? I hope not...I really don't want a boy with red hair! I am soooooo tired! I hope we don't have an ugly baby. I wonder if I would think my baby was ugly even if he really was?"

Ok - these really were some of the thoughts I had during and immediately following the births of my 3 children. Scary to me how out of tune I am about the wonder of childbirth in the moment that it occurs! For me, the love and tenderness I feel towards my children comes with the endless hours of servitude that follow this blessed event. I guess there is something to be said for compassionate service!

I remember being so surprised and delighted at how cute Ethan was when he was born (even with the red hair) that I wanted everyone to come in and see immediately. I didn't care that the doctor was still working on me and everything was all laid out on display...I wanted them to come in! Thank goodness the nurses made me wait. I'm sure that image would've been hard, if nearly impossible, to wipe from the memories of my poor unsuspecting family!

Ava was born so quickly that I remember thinking "Who's baby is this? She can't possibly be mine...I'm not even sweating!" It was all a bit surreal, enough that I figured I'd just get up and go to the restroom...and then fell flat on my face. My poor drugged lower body, though not completely numb, was not expecting my full weight and so, did not respond appropriately.

With Andrew, I watched every little detail and found it fascinating...kind of like watching a Discovery Channel program on childbirth. I literally breathed him out and found the whole experience strange and amazing...again like it was someone else's.

Though my initial emotions were all rather detached and impersonal I remember a very poignant experience with my daughter Ava when she was probably less than a month old. At the time I was attending many early (6am early!) Sunday meetings in preparation for our upcoming youth conference. She always came with me. On this one occasion I remember taking a break to feed her in the privacy of my car. I remember sitting there in the silence, just watching her and listening to the quiet baby sounds. I found myself relishing the moment. She was so sweet. This was so wonderful! I was a mother...the mother of this beautiful daughter of God! I had been given the amazing blessing to teach and care for this divine soul. I remember this intense feeling of love wash over me and my emotions gushed out upon the scene. Tears filled my eyes and my heart poured out an expression of gratitude to my Heavenly Father that I had felt so rarely in my life. It was a moment in which I truly felt what it must be like to love someone as God does. How grateful I am that He has blessed us to have these feelings towards our children. Some days it is this alone that gets us through. What a sublime experience it is to be a mother!